You’ve heard it. Maybe you’ve even said it:
“We can’t do that… so-and-so will lose their mind.”
Whether “so-and-so” is your boss, the church lady who alphabetizes the hymnals, or your emotionally unstable committee chair — this mindset screams fear, not leadership.
Toxic environments let emotions — especially one person’s emotions — run the show.
Instead of addressing the issue (insecurity, control, anxiety… pick your flavor), the team tiptoes around it like it’s a sleeping toddler with a temper.
That’s not leadership.
That’s emotional hostage-taking in business casual.
And let’s be real: the person saying this phrase? While they’re enabling the issue, they’re not the problem. The real red flag here is the person doing the “freaking out.”
Why It’s Toxic (And Where It Comes From):
This red flag wears many disguises.
A few of my personal favorites?
- “Only put the memos in blue, left-aligned, middle of the page — that’s how Greg likes them.”
- “Kathy loses it if the tables aren’t set up exactly like her diagram.”
- “The dishwasher has to be loaded like this. I know, I’m soooo OCD.”
Okay, let’s park it right there.
🚨 PSA: Self-diagnosing actual neurodivergence to justify controlling behavior is not cute. It’s offensive. We’re not doing that.
Now back to the regularly scheduled red flag…
At its core, this kind of behavior is about control — and not always maliciously. Sometimes, it’s disguised as “helpful structure” from someone who’s been doing everything alone for so long, they think controlling the process is the only way to keep things from falling apart.
But often?
It’s pride, plain and simple.
It’s the belief that they know best, and any deviation is a threat to their identity. If they’re not the one holding the clipboard and making every call, who even are they?
They don’t trust others to bring value.
They think their way is the way.
And deep down, they fear being irrelevant — so they grasp tighter.
The impact on a group is brutal.
Over time, people stop offering ideas. They stop creating, innovating, or even caring.
Why bother if every suggestion is just going to be shot down for not matching someone else’s carefully labeled color-coded spreadsheet?
If people feel like their value is ignored and their voice doesn’t matter, they’ll eventually stop showing up — mentally, emotionally, and eventually… literally.
🔥 The Bottom Line:
When one person’s comfort becomes the team’s compass, you’re not collaborating — you’re playing emotional dodgeball.
This isn’t about structure. It’s not about tradition. It’s about control.
And when control is used to maintain personal status instead of shared success?
You’re not leading. You’re just managing people’s behavior to protect your own ego.
True leaders aren’t threatened by change.
They invite it — because they want the best idea, not just their idea.
So if you’re constantly walking on eggshells for someone else’s feelings, ask yourself:
Are we actually building something here… or just avoiding a meltdown?
Taming the Toxicity:
If this hits home, don’t go in with a wrecking ball.
Lead with curiosity, not combat.
Ask questions. Seek clarity. Find out:
Is this someone overwhelmed and clinging to what’s familiar?
Or someone who equates control with importance?
For your boss?
Follow their system — for now. Build trust, prove you’re on the same team. Then say:
“I’ve noticed this invoice process is heavy on paper — can we explore some digital options?”
For your volunteer committee captain?
Be bold. You’re both volunteers, and collaboration matters more than control.
“Hey, I found a cheaper vendor for decorations — think it’s worth a look?”
For your partner?
Do the thing. Do it well. Then walk away smiling.
If the result’s the same, does it really matter how the dishwasher got loaded?
You don’t have to burn the process to the ground.
But you don’t have to lose yourself in it either.
Especially not just to keep someone else comfy in their chaos.
Your ideas matter. Your voice matters.
And healthy leadership?
Knows the difference between helping and hovering.
Gospel & Grit 
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